1.
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
2.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
3.
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
4.
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
5.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
6.
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
7.
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
8.
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
9.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
10.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A man walks into a hamburger shop
A college physics professor
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A man walks into a hamburger shop
A college physics professor
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11.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she din’t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
Jenny was explaining to her husband
An elderly, faithful man died
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she din’t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
Jenny was explaining to her husband
An elderly, faithful man died
12.
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
13.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
14.
A couple in the backyard.
The wife bends over to pick something up.
Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your bum is bigger than the bbq!”
She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”
A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.
He measures the bbq and her bum and…
Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.
Silently she disappears into the house that night both in bed.
He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.
She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A couple in the backyard.
The wife bends over to pick something up.
Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your bum is bigger than the bbq!”
She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”
A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.
He measures the bbq and her bum and…
Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.
Silently she disappears into the house that night both in bed.
He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.
She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
15.
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
16.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
17.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
18.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
19.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
20.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
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21.
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
22.
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
23.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said,
“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”
Two men are having golf
A elderly Pope goes to New York
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said,
“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”
Two men are having golf
A elderly Pope goes to New York
24.
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
25.
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
26.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
27.
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
28.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
29.
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
30.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
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eng jokes