1.
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
2.
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
3.
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
4.
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
5.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
6.
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
7.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
8.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
9.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
10.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
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11.
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
12.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
13.
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
14.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
15.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
16.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
17.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
18.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
19.
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
20.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
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21.
A cop was hiding in his usual spot when he saw a car speed by at 90 mph.
Quickly turning on his sirens, the cop pulled over an old lady.
“License and registration please” said the cop in a tough voice.
“I’m sorry” responded the lady “I forgot to ask him where he keeps his registration before I shot him.”
“You what!” Hollered the cop nervously holding onto his gun.”
I shot him” she responded “I stuck him in the trunk if you want to see.”
Within 2 minutes there were 8 police cars pulled up behind her and a police talking into a megaphone “Come out of the car with your hands up.”
While one cop watched the lady, another opened the trunk.
“Um mam” said the second cop “there’s no dead man in this trunk.”
“Well why would there be?” she asked.
“Excuse me,” said another cop, “this car seems to be registered in your name?”
“Well why wouldn’t it be” repeated the lady.
“Well,” they both responded “the cop said that you told him you killed the owner and put him in the trunk.”
“Humph” said the old lady with a wave of her hand, “I bet that old liar told you I was speeding to!”
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
He watched as old lady boarded
A cop was hiding in his usual spot when he saw a car speed by at 90 mph.
Quickly turning on his sirens, the cop pulled over an old lady.
“License and registration please” said the cop in a tough voice.
“I’m sorry” responded the lady “I forgot to ask him where he keeps his registration before I shot him.”
“You what!” Hollered the cop nervously holding onto his gun.”
I shot him” she responded “I stuck him in the trunk if you want to see.”
Within 2 minutes there were 8 police cars pulled up behind her and a police talking into a megaphone “Come out of the car with your hands up.”
While one cop watched the lady, another opened the trunk.
“Um mam” said the second cop “there’s no dead man in this trunk.”
“Well why would there be?” she asked.
“Excuse me,” said another cop, “this car seems to be registered in your name?”
“Well why wouldn’t it be” repeated the lady.
“Well,” they both responded “the cop said that you told him you killed the owner and put him in the trunk.”
“Humph” said the old lady with a wave of her hand, “I bet that old liar told you I was speeding to!”
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
He watched as old lady boarded
22.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
23.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
24.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
25.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
26.
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
27.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
28.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
29.
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church
30.
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
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