1.
A lay woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A female secretary was helping her boss
A lay woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A female secretary was helping her boss
2.
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout.
The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success.
The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face.
Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat.
Unfortunately, there was a web in its path
It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider.
An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.
A man walks in to a bar with a box
The red dressed guy
3.
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her privet part.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old pure.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.
“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old pure.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my privet part. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old pure. It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her privet part.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old pure.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.
“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old pure.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my privet part. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old pure. It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
4.
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
5.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
6.
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
7.
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
8.
A new bar manager at a country in found two of his elderly regulars waiting on the doorstep at opening time.
“Good morning,” they said, ordering a pint of beer.
But as they stood at the bar, their faces fell.
“Where’s the snuff?” they asked.
“Snuff?” queried the bar manager.
They said: “Your predecessor always used to leave snuff on the bar in a big blue saucer for his most important customers. And that’s us, because we’re here every lunchtime, 365 days a year,”
“Well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it,” explained the bar manager by way of apology, “but rest assured, there will be snuff on the bar for you tomorrow lunchtime. We always look after our customers.”
The manager was so busy settling into his new post and getting to know the staff and regulars that he completely forgot about the snuff until he saw the two old men slowly walking up the lane the following lunchtime.
He hurriedly put the big blue saucer on the bar and searched in the back room for the snuff.
He rummaged through every cupboard in the place, but to no avail.
Then he remembered that surplus stock was sometimes kept in an old building in the yard.
So he looked there, too, but still had no luck.
On his way back across the yard, he spotted a dried up piece of dog poop in his path.
In frustration, he kicked out at it and it crumbled into dozens of tiny pieces as it splattered against the wall.
This gave him an idea.
He dashed back into the pub, grabbed the blue saucer and, using a piece of paper towel, he picked up the remains of the poop and crumbled it into the saucer.
He then went back into the pub and put the saucer on the bar just as his two old regulars entered.
A country guy in a bar
The bartender asked a guy
A new bar manager at a country in found two of his elderly regulars waiting on the doorstep at opening time.
“Good morning,” they said, ordering a pint of beer.
But as they stood at the bar, their faces fell.
“Where’s the snuff?” they asked.
“Snuff?” queried the bar manager.
They said: “Your predecessor always used to leave snuff on the bar in a big blue saucer for his most important customers. And that’s us, because we’re here every lunchtime, 365 days a year,”
“Well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it,” explained the bar manager by way of apology, “but rest assured, there will be snuff on the bar for you tomorrow lunchtime. We always look after our customers.”
The manager was so busy settling into his new post and getting to know the staff and regulars that he completely forgot about the snuff until he saw the two old men slowly walking up the lane the following lunchtime.
He hurriedly put the big blue saucer on the bar and searched in the back room for the snuff.
He rummaged through every cupboard in the place, but to no avail.
Then he remembered that surplus stock was sometimes kept in an old building in the yard.
So he looked there, too, but still had no luck.
On his way back across the yard, he spotted a dried up piece of dog poop in his path.
In frustration, he kicked out at it and it crumbled into dozens of tiny pieces as it splattered against the wall.
This gave him an idea.
He dashed back into the pub, grabbed the blue saucer and, using a piece of paper towel, he picked up the remains of the poop and crumbled it into the saucer.
He then went back into the pub and put the saucer on the bar just as his two old regulars entered.
A country guy in a bar
The bartender asked a guy
9.
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
10.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
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11.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
12.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
13.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
14.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets we don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce my husband does, he said he can’t communicate with me!”
Who Want To Go To Hell
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets we don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce my husband does, he said he can’t communicate with me!”
Who Want To Go To Hell
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
15.
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
16.
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
17.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
18.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
19.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
20.
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
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21.
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
22.
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
23.
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
24.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
25.
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
26.
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies.
“He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies.
“I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
A girl came skipping home from school
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies.
“He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies.
“I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
A girl came skipping home from school
27.
She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.
“What do I have to do to get in?,” she asked.
“You just have to spell a word,” the angel replied.
“That doesn’t sound bad, what word do I have to spell?”
“Love.”
Relieved, the woman quickly fired off, “L-O-V-E”.
The angel nodded and opened the gate.
Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day.
The woman agreed and assumed her post while she’s there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!
“Oh, my love!,” she cried, “What has happened to you so soon?”
“My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me, I fell into a deep depression that couldn’t be beaten when you were in that accident, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I could do nothing but mourn for you,” he said.
“I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long,” she consoled.
“Actually,” he replied, “There was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well! We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much.
I eventually asked her to marry me we were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident that’s why I’m here! So… what do I have to do to get in?”
“You simply have to spell a word,” she informed him.
“That’s it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?,” he inquired.
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.
“What do I have to do to get in?,” she asked.
“You just have to spell a word,” the angel replied.
“That doesn’t sound bad, what word do I have to spell?”
“Love.”
Relieved, the woman quickly fired off, “L-O-V-E”.
The angel nodded and opened the gate.
Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day.
The woman agreed and assumed her post while she’s there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!
“Oh, my love!,” she cried, “What has happened to you so soon?”
“My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me, I fell into a deep depression that couldn’t be beaten when you were in that accident, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I could do nothing but mourn for you,” he said.
“I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long,” she consoled.
“Actually,” he replied, “There was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well! We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much.
I eventually asked her to marry me we were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident that’s why I’m here! So… what do I have to do to get in?”
“You simply have to spell a word,” she informed him.
“That’s it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?,” he inquired.
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
28.
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
29.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
30.
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
Tags:
eng jokes