1.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
2.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
3.
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
4.
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
5.
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
6.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
7.
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
8.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
9.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
10.
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
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11.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
12.
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darns, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darns called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The big hunter walked in the bar
A pretty blonde woman is driving
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darns, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darns called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The big hunter walked in the bar
A pretty blonde woman is driving
13.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
14.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
15.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
16.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
17.
A lawyer is talking to his client.
He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”
“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”
“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”
“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.”
Four strangers traveled together
A co-worker told John
A lawyer is talking to his client.
He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”
“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”
“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”
“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.”
Four strangers traveled together
A co-worker told John
18.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Bill and Doug were having a beer
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Bill and Doug were having a beer
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
19.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before
I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts. So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before
I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts. So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
20.
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender.
“How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?”
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana You’re on have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.”
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.”
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing the frog’s a ventriloquist.”
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender.
“How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?”
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana You’re on have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.”
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.”
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing the frog’s a ventriloquist.”
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
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21.
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
22.
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
23.
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
24.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
25.
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”
The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.
When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.
She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”
The young man replied with a pale and shocked face.
“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blind man walks into a restaurant
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”
The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.
When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.
She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”
The young man replied with a pale and shocked face.
“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blind man walks into a restaurant
26.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
27.
A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the melons of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old bum!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”
A couple invites their family for dinner
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the melons of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old bum!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”
A couple invites their family for dinner
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
28.
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
29.
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
30.
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
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eng jokes