1.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
2.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
3.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
4.
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
5.
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
6.
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
7.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
8.
People have been coming to the wise man, complaining about the same problems every time.
One day he told them a joke and everyone roared in laughter.
After a couple of minutes, he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled.
When he told the same joke for the third time no one laughed anymore.
The wise man smiled and said,
“You can’t laugh at the same joke over and over so why are you always crying about the same problem?”
A John Wayne And His Horse
A old hunter of foxes
People have been coming to the wise man, complaining about the same problems every time.
One day he told them a joke and everyone roared in laughter.
After a couple of minutes, he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled.
When he told the same joke for the third time no one laughed anymore.
The wise man smiled and said,
“You can’t laugh at the same joke over and over so why are you always crying about the same problem?”
A John Wayne And His Horse
A old hunter of foxes
9.
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
10.
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
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11.
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
12.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
13.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
14.
“How can I know the best way to act in life?”
The disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
A General stepped out taking
My mother taught
“How can I know the best way to act in life?”
The disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
A General stepped out taking
My mother taught
15.
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea
“Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew
“Got any more dogs?”
A Greedy Cup
Amer tells a story
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea
“Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew
“Got any more dogs?”
A Greedy Cup
Amer tells a story
16.
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed.
“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “
“Well,” the pastor persisted,
“You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ “
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’
A little boy said to a little girl
A old man went to the Bank
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed.
“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “
“Well,” the pastor persisted,
“You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ “
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’
A little boy said to a little girl
A old man went to the Bank
17.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
18.
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
19.
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing undressed in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a undressed lady, I’d turn to stone.”
“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
He called his wife to make up an excuse
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing undressed in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a undressed lady, I’d turn to stone.”
“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
He called his wife to make up an excuse
20.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
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21.
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up
22.
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
23.
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
24.
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
25.
Early one morning a hungry Wolf was prowling around a cottage at the edge of a village, when he heard a child crying in the house.
Then he heard the Mother’s voice say: “Hush, child, hush! Stop your crying, or I will give you to the Wolf!”
Surprised but delighted at the prospect of so delicious a meal, the Wolf settled down under an open window, expecting every moment to have the child handed out to him.
But though the little one continued to fret, the Wolf waited all day in vain.
Then, toward nightfall, he heard the Mother’s voice again as she sat down near the window to sing and rock her baby to sleep.
“There, child, there! The Wolf shall not get you no, no!
Daddy is watching and Daddy will kill him if he should come near!”
Just then the Father came within sight of the home, and the Wolf was barely able to save himself from the Dogs by a clever bit of running.
Moral: Do not believe everything you hear.
A young man walks into a supermarket
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
Early one morning a hungry Wolf was prowling around a cottage at the edge of a village, when he heard a child crying in the house.
Then he heard the Mother’s voice say: “Hush, child, hush! Stop your crying, or I will give you to the Wolf!”
Surprised but delighted at the prospect of so delicious a meal, the Wolf settled down under an open window, expecting every moment to have the child handed out to him.
But though the little one continued to fret, the Wolf waited all day in vain.
Then, toward nightfall, he heard the Mother’s voice again as she sat down near the window to sing and rock her baby to sleep.
“There, child, there! The Wolf shall not get you no, no!
Daddy is watching and Daddy will kill him if he should come near!”
Just then the Father came within sight of the home, and the Wolf was barely able to save himself from the Dogs by a clever bit of running.
Moral: Do not believe everything you hear.
A young man walks into a supermarket
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
26.
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
27.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
28.
Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day
As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse.
Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck.
They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse.
The understanding professor said it’s fine and ask them to take it the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam.
The next day they came to the exam room, and as per usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner.
The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous.
Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy.
Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit.
So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page.
There was a single question on it: (90/100) Which tire was blown?
Three men attend a job interview
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day
As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse.
Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck.
They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse.
The understanding professor said it’s fine and ask them to take it the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam.
The next day they came to the exam room, and as per usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner.
The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous.
Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy.
Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit.
So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page.
There was a single question on it: (90/100) Which tire was blown?
Three men attend a job interview
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
29.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
30.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
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