1.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
2.
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
3.
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
4.
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
5.
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
6.
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
7.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
8.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth
“Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all
He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid
Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist
I work at the morgue..”
Serious hearing problems
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth
“Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all
He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid
Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist
I work at the morgue..”
Serious hearing problems
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
9.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
One of the priests said
Serious hearing problems
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
One of the priests said
Serious hearing problems
10.
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”
Three girls all worked in the same office
Two women came before wise King Solomon
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”
Three girls all worked in the same office
Two women came before wise King Solomon
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11.
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
12.
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
13.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
14.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
15.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
16.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
17.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
18.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
19.
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
She says, “I want my husband to have eyes only for me.”
I want to be the only one in his life.
I want him to sleep always by my side.
I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.
A old man gets on a crowded bus
A overweight blonde
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
She says, “I want my husband to have eyes only for me.”
I want to be the only one in his life.
I want him to sleep always by my side.
I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.
A old man gets on a crowded bus
A overweight blonde
20.
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
“What on earth are you doing?” he cried.
“I can’t stand it anymore!” she shrieked.
“Thirty-two years we’ve been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I’m leaving!”
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house… out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action.
Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, “Sylvia, you’re right, you’re absolutely right, and I can’t bear it either. Wait a minute, and I’ll go with you.”
A man came home from the mine
A very sick woman on her bed
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
“What on earth are you doing?” he cried.
“I can’t stand it anymore!” she shrieked.
“Thirty-two years we’ve been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I’m leaving!”
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house… out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action.
Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, “Sylvia, you’re right, you’re absolutely right, and I can’t bear it either. Wait a minute, and I’ll go with you.”
A man came home from the mine
A very sick woman on her bed
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21.
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
22.
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
23.
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
24.
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
25.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
26.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
27.
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.
When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.
So tell me, said Sam, sitting the young man down.
What are your plans for the future?
“Well”, said the Groom.
“I plan on studying holy works all of my life. And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day? questioned Sam.”
I am sure The Lord will provide. Answered the young man. And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?
The Lord will provide answered the young man again. How did it go? asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.
It went great Sam replied. I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!
Harry had been feeling sick lately
A drunk phoned the local police
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.
When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.
So tell me, said Sam, sitting the young man down.
What are your plans for the future?
“Well”, said the Groom.
“I plan on studying holy works all of my life. And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day? questioned Sam.”
I am sure The Lord will provide. Answered the young man. And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?
The Lord will provide answered the young man again. How did it go? asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.
It went great Sam replied. I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!
Harry had been feeling sick lately
A drunk phoned the local police
28.
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
29.
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
30.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
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eng jokes