1.
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Two polite people having dinner
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Two polite people having dinner
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
2.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
3.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
4.
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor must have been having a bad day.
“Why bother me?” he asked.
“You’re a clergyman It’s your job to bury the dead.”
The pastor lost his cool.
“Yes,” he snapped, “But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.”
Moishe the Carpenter
The librarian handed the chicken a book
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor must have been having a bad day.
“Why bother me?” he asked.
“You’re a clergyman It’s your job to bury the dead.”
The pastor lost his cool.
“Yes,” he snapped, “But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.”
Moishe the Carpenter
The librarian handed the chicken a book
5.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”
“I dunno,” said the second. “Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.
They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.
“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon sized stone down the hole.
They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either.
So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole.
Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mine shaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.
Yeah, just now, said one of the first two guys. It just ran up and jumped down this hole.
“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy.
“My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”
A new captain becomes leader of a company
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”
“I dunno,” said the second. “Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.
They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.
“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon sized stone down the hole.
They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either.
So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole.
Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mine shaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.
Yeah, just now, said one of the first two guys. It just ran up and jumped down this hole.
“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy.
“My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”
A new captain becomes leader of a company
Three contractors were submitting estimates
6.
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
7.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
8.
A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees an ambulance speeding down the street with it’s sirens blaring.
The drunk man dashes after the ambulance at full speed, finally collapsing on the floor, two blocks later.
The man then looks at the ambulance speeding away, and screams on the top of his lungs,
“I don’t care, keep your stupid ice cream.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
A cop pulled over a car
A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees an ambulance speeding down the street with it’s sirens blaring.
The drunk man dashes after the ambulance at full speed, finally collapsing on the floor, two blocks later.
The man then looks at the ambulance speeding away, and screams on the top of his lungs,
“I don’t care, keep your stupid ice cream.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
A cop pulled over a car
9.
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
10.
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
A elderly lady went to the doctor
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11.
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job.
He finds an ad in the paper that says “If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM”.
The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go.
Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building.
He goes in, elevator taped up, but on the staircase door there’s a sign “If you want to succeed go to the 1st floor”.
He climbs up to the 1st floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 2nd floor”.
He climbs up to the 2nd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 3rd floor”.
He climbs up to the 3rd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 4th floor”.
He climbs up to the 4th floor, no sign.
Baffled he walks around the floor and stumbles upon a door that has written on it “If you want to succeed enter”
Guy enters and as he opens the door he finds a buff scary looking giant man sitting behind a desk.
As he sees the guy enter he sits up from his chair and says “Hello, I’m Ceed, please close the door”.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job.
He finds an ad in the paper that says “If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM”.
The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go.
Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building.
He goes in, elevator taped up, but on the staircase door there’s a sign “If you want to succeed go to the 1st floor”.
He climbs up to the 1st floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 2nd floor”.
He climbs up to the 2nd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 3rd floor”.
He climbs up to the 3rd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 4th floor”.
He climbs up to the 4th floor, no sign.
Baffled he walks around the floor and stumbles upon a door that has written on it “If you want to succeed enter”
Guy enters and as he opens the door he finds a buff scary looking giant man sitting behind a desk.
As he sees the guy enter he sits up from his chair and says “Hello, I’m Ceed, please close the door”.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
12.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
13.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
14.
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
15.
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
16.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
17.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
18.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
19.
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
20.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
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21.
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
22.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
23.
A farmer had a problem with foxes stealing his chickens, so he decided to get a guard dog.
He went to the pet shop and asked for a fierce dog that would protect his chickens.
The shopkeeper showed him a tiny Chihuahua and said,
“This is the best guard dog you can get.”
The farmer was skeptical and asked,
“How can this little thing guard my chickens?”
The shopkeeper said, “Trust me, he’s very smart and very vicious. Just try it out.”
The farmer took the Chihuahua home and put him in the chicken coop.
The next morning, he went to check on his chickens and saw that all of them were gone.
He also saw the Chihuahua lying on the ground, covered in feathers and licking his lips.
The farmer was furious and shouted, “You stupid dog! You ate all my chickens!”
The Chihuahua looked up at him and said, “I told you I was a good guard dog. I just didn’t say who I was guarding them from.”
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A farmer had a problem with foxes stealing his chickens, so he decided to get a guard dog.
He went to the pet shop and asked for a fierce dog that would protect his chickens.
The shopkeeper showed him a tiny Chihuahua and said,
“This is the best guard dog you can get.”
The farmer was skeptical and asked,
“How can this little thing guard my chickens?”
The shopkeeper said, “Trust me, he’s very smart and very vicious. Just try it out.”
The farmer took the Chihuahua home and put him in the chicken coop.
The next morning, he went to check on his chickens and saw that all of them were gone.
He also saw the Chihuahua lying on the ground, covered in feathers and licking his lips.
The farmer was furious and shouted, “You stupid dog! You ate all my chickens!”
The Chihuahua looked up at him and said, “I told you I was a good guard dog. I just didn’t say who I was guarding them from.”
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
24.
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
25.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
26.
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
27.
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
28.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
29.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
30.
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
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eng jokes