Funny jokes to lighten up office meetings 04

1.



A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years

2.



A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
A blonde goes into a nearby store
A young woman went to her doctor

3.



A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist

4.



Emperor Akbar was narrating a dream.
The dream began with Akbar and Birbal walking towards each other on a moonless night.
It was so dark that they could not see each other – and they collided, and fell.
“Fortunately for me,” said the Emperor.
“I fell into a pool of payasam but guess what Birbal fell into?”
“What, your Majesty?” asked the courtiers.
“A gutter!”
The court resounded with laughter.
The emperor was thrilled that for once he had been able to score over Birbal but Birbal was unperturbed.
“Your Majesty,” he said when the laughter had died down.
“Strangely, I too had the same dream.
But unlike you I slept on till the end.
When you climbed out of that pool of delicious payasam and I, out of that stinking gutter we found that there was no water with which to clean ourselves and so guess what we did?
“What?” asked the emperor, warily.
“We licked each other clean!”
The emperor became red with embarrassment and resolved never to try to get the better of Birbal again.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
A beggar knocked at the door

5.



Three rich men were boasting up how expensive the gifts are they just gave to their wives.
Rich Man No. 1: My wife wanted these elegant set of silverware for her kitchen, so I bought her several sets.
Rich Man No. 2: I got you bet. My wife wanted a magnificent pieces of gold and platinum jewelries, so I bought her a whole bunch.
Rich Man No. 3: Oh you and your poor wives. My wife is a discontent, demanding woman, but I was able to give her everything she asked for and more. I got her silver, gold, and all sorts of precious metals in the world.
Rich Man No. 1: Liar. You can’t possibly afford all that.
Rich Man No. 2: Yes, we’re both richer than you. How is that even possible?
Rich Man No. 3: Easy. I gave her a periodic table.
Mr. Dwight was conducting a lecture
A man was in a bad accident

6.



Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys lovemaking more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?”
A lady about eight months pregnant
A elderly man goes into a mental institution

7.



Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane.
They want to break the tension amongst the countries, so they decide to go on a retreat to go skydiving.
While they’re headed to the drop off location, they each start to boast that their country is better.
“My country has the fastest moving army,” claims Hitler. “No one can beat it.”
“Except when they face the wrath of the Motherland,” retorts Stalin. “You can’t even stand the cold.”
“I think we should all agree that America is the real savior here,” says Roosevelt.
“I, uh…. my country…. uhhhhh….” stutters Mussolini.
The boasting continues until they arrive at the drop off point.
“Everyone have their parachutes ready to go?” the pilot says.
Everyone nods.
“Since we all can’t agree on who’s country is the best, let’s make a bet:
whoever can go the farthest without opening their parachute, their country is the best,” Mussolini says.
“Okay,” Roosevelt shrugs, and jumps out the plane. “For America!”
“Shit!” Mussolini says, and jumps out next.
Hitler and Stalin are both standing at the edge.
Neither really wants to jump. “Hey, can I take a look at your parachute real quick?” Hitler asks.
“I want to make sure that mine is going to function correctly.”
Stalin takes off his pack and hands it over to Hitler.
All of a sudden, Hitler yells, “FOR DEUTSCHLAND!!” and pushes Stalin out of the plane.
There once was a religious young woman
There was a World wide survey

8.



A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work

9.



The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband

10.



A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” says the little boy.
As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
Three ladies were on a flight

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11.



After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened

12.



A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench

13.



A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets

14.



A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors

15.



A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying

16.



Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus

17.



A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman

18.



A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two’s for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
Larry a local football star
A blonde was summoned to court

19.



A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench

20.



The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master

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21.



Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying

22.



A married couple moves into to a new home.
After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”
“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband.
“Take care of these things yourself!”
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.
“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”
“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
She asked her mother to go out

23.



A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three,
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears
but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”
The others agreed.
Then one said,
“Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed,
“I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said,
“I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever
I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with,
“I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
“I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
A man and a woman, who had never met before

24.



A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”
She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying f****k the rottweiler ate her.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A couple lived near the ocean

25.



Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise

26.



The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.”
The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.”
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his grand father, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled
I’m going to spend weekend with my grandson.”
The secretary calls husband, “I won’t be going.”
The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry My wife is not going.”
The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”
Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I’ve classes.”
The grandpa calls secretary….
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Hey lady, you are really ugly

27.



Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.
So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk
He agreed, but he didn’t say much
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it
On the way home, I told him that I loved him
He smiled slightly, and kept driving
I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV
He continued to seem distant and absent
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried
I don’t know what to do
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
Mower won’t start, can’t figure out why.
The parish priest with a question
A farmer from the cotton fields

28.



A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend

29.



The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man

30.



A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting