1.
A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
2.
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
3.
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
4.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
5.
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
6.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
7.
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
8.
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
9.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
10.
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
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11.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
12.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
13.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
14.
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
15.
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
16.
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
17.
The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.”
The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.”
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his grand father, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled
I’m going to spend weekend with my grandson.”
The secretary calls husband, “I won’t be going.”
The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry My wife is not going.”
The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”
Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I’ve classes.”
The grandpa calls secretary….
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Hey lady, you are really ugly
The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.”
The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.”
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his grand father, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled
I’m going to spend weekend with my grandson.”
The secretary calls husband, “I won’t be going.”
The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry My wife is not going.”
The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”
Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I’ve classes.”
The grandpa calls secretary….
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Hey lady, you are really ugly
18.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
19.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
20.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
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21.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
22.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
23.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
24.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
25.
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
26.
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
27.
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
28.
Two men were marooned on an Island.
One man passed back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.
The first man said to the second man, “aren’t you afraid we are about to die.”
“No,” said the second man, “for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week
My Pastor will find me.”
Murphy drops some buttered toast
The parish priest with a question
Two men were marooned on an Island.
One man passed back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.
The first man said to the second man, “aren’t you afraid we are about to die.”
“No,” said the second man, “for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week
My Pastor will find me.”
Murphy drops some buttered toast
The parish priest with a question
29.
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
30.
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
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