1.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
2.
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
3.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
4.
Two math professors are in a restaurant.
One argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.
The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced math.
Just then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.
The second professor calls over his waitress and says, “When you bring our food, I’m going to ask you a mathematical question.
I want you to answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Can you do that?”
The waitress says, “I don’t know if I can remember that
One thurr… um…”
“One third x cubed,” says the prof.
“One thir dex cue?,” asks the waitress.
“One”
“One”
“Third”
“Third”
“X”
“X”
“Cubed”
“Cubed”
“One third X cubed”
“One third X cubed”
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, “Say, do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Not at all”
“Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?”
The waitress pauses, then says, “One third x cubed.”
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, “Plus a constant!”
A leading local politician
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
Two math professors are in a restaurant.
One argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.
The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced math.
Just then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.
The second professor calls over his waitress and says, “When you bring our food, I’m going to ask you a mathematical question.
I want you to answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Can you do that?”
The waitress says, “I don’t know if I can remember that
One thurr… um…”
“One third x cubed,” says the prof.
“One thir dex cue?,” asks the waitress.
“One”
“One”
“Third”
“Third”
“X”
“X”
“Cubed”
“Cubed”
“One third X cubed”
“One third X cubed”
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, “Say, do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Not at all”
“Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?”
The waitress pauses, then says, “One third x cubed.”
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, “Plus a constant!”
A leading local politician
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
5.
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
6.
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
7.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
8.
One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV that the youth’s academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.
The director asked, “Did you obtain any scholarships in school?”
The youth answered “none”.
The director asked, “Was it your father who paid for your school fees?”
The youth answered, “My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.
The director asked, “Where did your mother work?”
The youth answered, “My mother worked as clothes cleaner.
The director requested the youth to show his hands.
The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
The director asked, “Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?”
The youth answered, “Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books.
Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, “I have a request when you go back today, go and clean your mother’s hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.”
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high.
When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands.
His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother’s hands slowly his tear fell as he did that it was the first time he noticed that his mother’s hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands.
Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee.
The bruises in the mother’s hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother’s hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.The next morning, the youth went to the director’s office.
The late king of a known Kingdom
The story of one 10-year-old boy
One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV that the youth’s academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.
The director asked, “Did you obtain any scholarships in school?”
The youth answered “none”.
The director asked, “Was it your father who paid for your school fees?”
The youth answered, “My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.
The director asked, “Where did your mother work?”
The youth answered, “My mother worked as clothes cleaner.
The director requested the youth to show his hands.
The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
The director asked, “Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?”
The youth answered, “Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books.
Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, “I have a request when you go back today, go and clean your mother’s hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.”
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high.
When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands.
His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother’s hands slowly his tear fell as he did that it was the first time he noticed that his mother’s hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands.
Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee.
The bruises in the mother’s hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother’s hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.The next morning, the youth went to the director’s office.
The late king of a known Kingdom
The story of one 10-year-old boy
9.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
10.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
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11.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
12.
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
13.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
14.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
15.
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darns, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darns called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The big hunter walked in the bar
A pretty blonde woman is driving
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darns, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darns called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The big hunter walked in the bar
A pretty blonde woman is driving
16.
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
17.
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
18.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
19.
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
20.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
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21.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
22.
This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.
A man went to his lawyer and told
A man goes to a bar with his dog
This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.
A man went to his lawyer and told
A man goes to a bar with his dog
23.
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
24.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
25.
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”
The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”
Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”
The manager of a large office
Joe grew up in a small town
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”
The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”
Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”
The manager of a large office
Joe grew up in a small town
26.
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
27.
A family goes to the zoo and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals.
The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, “Mommy, what’s that?!”
She tells him that it’s a monkey.
Soon after he points again, asking “Mommy, what’s that?”
She tells him that it’s a giraffe…and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says “Mommy, what’s that?”
She says “That’s an elephant!”, but he points underneath the elephant and says “No, Mommy, what’s that?”
She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says “That’s nothing, sweetie, that’s nothing.”
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father.
They walk for a bit and the boy asks “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s a bear.”
A bit later, “Dad, what’s that?” “That’s a penguin!” …and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s an Elephant.”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, Dad, I mean underneath”, so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
“That’s the elephant’s p**is, son.”
“Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?”
The father thinks for a moment, then says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
I recall my first time with a protection
A man sat in the confession booth in church
A family goes to the zoo and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals.
The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, “Mommy, what’s that?!”
She tells him that it’s a monkey.
Soon after he points again, asking “Mommy, what’s that?”
She tells him that it’s a giraffe…and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says “Mommy, what’s that?”
She says “That’s an elephant!”, but he points underneath the elephant and says “No, Mommy, what’s that?”
She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says “That’s nothing, sweetie, that’s nothing.”
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father.
They walk for a bit and the boy asks “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s a bear.”
A bit later, “Dad, what’s that?” “That’s a penguin!” …and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s an Elephant.”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, Dad, I mean underneath”, so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
“That’s the elephant’s p**is, son.”
“Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?”
The father thinks for a moment, then says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
I recall my first time with a protection
A man sat in the confession booth in church
28.
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A kid asks his father “Dad whats politics?”
“Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of you and your needs, so we’ll call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?”
“I’m not sure, Dad, I’ll have to think about it.”
Late that night, the boy’s sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother.
He got up and fond that the baby had soiled its diaper.
He went to his parents’ room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that is father was boinking the maid so vigorously that they didn’t hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.
Next morning he reported to his father.
“Dad I now think I understand what politics is.”
“Good my boy. Explain it to me in your own words.”
“Well Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
29.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
30.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is lovemaking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A farmer and his wife were laying
Jimmy got home early from school
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is lovemaking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A farmer and his wife were laying
Jimmy got home early from school
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eng jokes