1.
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
2.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
3.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
4.
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
5.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.
He had guests over and he thought they’d like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.
They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves over it.
He told the residents that he’ll let them off easy in the next few days if they were eager to get knocked down.
The guests then seemed to have a great time. There was one guest who seemed particularly not pleasant with the arrangement.
The Devil asked the particular guest, how he finds the arrangements.
The guest says, “I don’t get it”. The Devil says,
I’ve already made the punchline bold, do you also want me to underline it?”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The Maid asked for a pay raise
6.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
7.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
8.
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
9.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
10.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
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11.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
12.
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions after all, the client is always right an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′ The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president.
‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
Done, the elderly woman answered.
But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.
During camouflage training
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions after all, the client is always right an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′ The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president.
‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
Done, the elderly woman answered.
But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.
During camouflage training
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
13.
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
14.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
15.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
16.
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about make love.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his make love life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A rabbit hops into a pub
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about make love.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his make love life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A rabbit hops into a pub
17.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
18.
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
19.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached.
It was the knight’s best friend.
He yells, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key.
Two hot young ladies are talking
There was a loser
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached.
It was the knight’s best friend.
He yells, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key.
Two hot young ladies are talking
There was a loser
20.
A preacher, a lawyer, and a doctor all do deer hunting.
They go for a few hours without seeing anything, and then they all spot an enormous deer grazing in a field.
They all excitedly shoot at it at the same time.
The deer immediately drops, but they only find one bullet hole.
They argue and debate for hours over who shot the deer, each wanting it claim the trophy of a kill.
After much debate and getting nowhere, they decide to call their friend, who is a Wild Life Expert, to come and examine the deer.
They tell him where they all stood, that they shot it at the same time, and that it dropped immediately.
He looks at it for hours, and he keeps circling the deer, looking all over, and finally said:
“I know who shot the deer”
“Who?” They all asked eagerly.
“It was the preacher.”
The preacher jumps up and down and shouts for joy, while the other two are furious.
“How can you tell that just from looking at the bullet hole?!” They ask angrily
“Well it’s really very simple gentlemen.”
He says calmly. “If you look at the bullet hole, you can see that it goes inside one ear, and comes out the other”
A man goes to the circus
Wife is running in the park
A preacher, a lawyer, and a doctor all do deer hunting.
They go for a few hours without seeing anything, and then they all spot an enormous deer grazing in a field.
They all excitedly shoot at it at the same time.
The deer immediately drops, but they only find one bullet hole.
They argue and debate for hours over who shot the deer, each wanting it claim the trophy of a kill.
After much debate and getting nowhere, they decide to call their friend, who is a Wild Life Expert, to come and examine the deer.
They tell him where they all stood, that they shot it at the same time, and that it dropped immediately.
He looks at it for hours, and he keeps circling the deer, looking all over, and finally said:
“I know who shot the deer”
“Who?” They all asked eagerly.
“It was the preacher.”
The preacher jumps up and down and shouts for joy, while the other two are furious.
“How can you tell that just from looking at the bullet hole?!” They ask angrily
“Well it’s really very simple gentlemen.”
He says calmly. “If you look at the bullet hole, you can see that it goes inside one ear, and comes out the other”
A man goes to the circus
Wife is running in the park
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21.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
22.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
23.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
24.
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
25.
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
26.
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
27.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
28.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
29.
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer.
“Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned.
Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer’s wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
“How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried.
“We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you!
You had make love with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… “LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!
A doctor drives by a small town
A guy comes home from work
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer.
“Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned.
Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer’s wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
“How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried.
“We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you!
You had make love with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… “LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!
A doctor drives by a small town
A guy comes home from work
30.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
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