1.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
2.
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
3.
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
4.
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
5.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said,
“No, I want 25 gallons I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my fronts I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
A little silver-haired lady
6.
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
7.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
8.
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
9.
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
10.
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
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11.
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
12.
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
13.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
14.
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
15.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.
He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish policeman.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.
The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”
And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”
The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow down?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
A psychiatrist met an old patient
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.
He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish policeman.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.
The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”
And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”
The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow down?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
A psychiatrist met an old patient
16.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
17.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
18.
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
19.
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
20.
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
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21.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
22.
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
23.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
24.
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
25.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
26.
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
27.
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
28.
There is this guy who has a 25 inch weapon.
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his weapon smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him.
If the frog says ‘no’, his tool will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog.
He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No”, and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.”
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog says, “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys weapon shrinks another five inches.
But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you — NO, NO, NO!!!”
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two man were sitting in a bar
There is this guy who has a 25 inch weapon.
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his weapon smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him.
If the frog says ‘no’, his tool will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog.
He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No”, and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.”
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog says, “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys weapon shrinks another five inches.
But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you — NO, NO, NO!!!”
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two man were sitting in a bar
29.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
30.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
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eng jokes