1.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
2.
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
3.
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, “What’re you doing?”
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said, “I’ll help you” and jumped in the pit.
He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, “I found it!”
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, “Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it.”
A man walks into a Chemist
The brand new blonde waitress
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, “What’re you doing?”
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said, “I’ll help you” and jumped in the pit.
He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, “I found it!”
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, “Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it.”
A man walks into a Chemist
The brand new blonde waitress
4.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
5.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
6.
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson
7.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
8.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
9.
A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the woman returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the woman.
A couple lived near the ocean
Funny Psychiatrists
A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the woman returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the woman.
A couple lived near the ocean
Funny Psychiatrists
10.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
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11.
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
12.
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
13.
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
14.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
15.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
16.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
17.
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
18.
One old farmer had a large pond in the back,..
fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn’t been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned,
“I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim n*ked, or to make you get out of the pond n*ked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
A statue of a Macho athlete
Confession booth
One old farmer had a large pond in the back,..
fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn’t been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned,
“I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim n*ked, or to make you get out of the pond n*ked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
A statue of a Macho athlete
Confession booth
19.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
20.
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
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21.
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
“My grandfather lived to be 96.”
“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”
“Liquor and women.”
“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”
“Well actually, no, it’s not what ya think.
Towards the end, Grandpa couldn’t get either one, so he just laid down and died.”
Three old men were talking
Two hunters get up early one morning
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
“My grandfather lived to be 96.”
“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”
“Liquor and women.”
“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”
“Well actually, no, it’s not what ya think.
Towards the end, Grandpa couldn’t get either one, so he just laid down and died.”
Three old men were talking
Two hunters get up early one morning
22.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said.
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have lovemaking?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have make love?”
Jake answered impatiently, “If I told you once I told you a thousand times we have blue cross!!”
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said.
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have lovemaking?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have make love?”
Jake answered impatiently, “If I told you once I told you a thousand times we have blue cross!!”
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
23.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
24.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
25.
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
26.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
27.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
28.
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
29.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
30.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
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