1.
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
2.
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
3.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
4.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
5.
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
6.
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
7.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
8.
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
9.
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
10.
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
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11.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
12.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend in the country.
The country mouse was very glad to see his good friend.
He gave his guest the best dinner that he could find.
The country mouse was afraid that there was not enough food for two, so he just ate a little piece of corn.
His friend had some green peas, a piece of new cheese, a ripe and a red apple.
After the city mouse ate all the dinner, he said, “How can you live in the country, my friend? You can see nothing but forest, rivers, fields and mountains.
You must be very tired of hearing nothing but bird songs come with me to the city.
There you can live in a beautiful house and have good things for dinner every day.
When you have lived in the city for a week,, you will forget all about living in the country.”
So the two mice went to the city, they reached the home of the city mouse at night
“You must be hungry we walked for a long time,” said the city mouse to his friend.
“We will have some dinner immediately.”
So they went to the dinning room and the city mouse found some cake and fruit.
“Help yourself,” he said.
“There is enough for both of us.”
“This is a very good dinner,” said the country mouse.
“You are very rich my friend!”
Just then the door opened and a dog came in the mice jumped off the table and ran into a h*le in the floor.
The poor little country mouse was so frightened!
“Do not be afraid,” said his friend.
“The dog cannot come in here.”
Then the mice went to the kitchen they found an apple pie on the shelf and were enjoying a piece of it at that moment, they saw two bright eyes watching them.
“The cat! The cat!” cried the city mouse and the mice quickly ran through a h*le in the wall.
When the country mouse could speak, he said, Good-bye, my friend you can live in the city with the dogs and cats.
I like my home in the country.
In the country the birds sing to me while i eat my simple corn and apples.
In the city the cats watch you eating your fancy cake and pie.
I like my corn in safety better than your cake in fear.
A truck driver is driving through
A carpenter went home
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend in the country.
The country mouse was very glad to see his good friend.
He gave his guest the best dinner that he could find.
The country mouse was afraid that there was not enough food for two, so he just ate a little piece of corn.
His friend had some green peas, a piece of new cheese, a ripe and a red apple.
After the city mouse ate all the dinner, he said, “How can you live in the country, my friend? You can see nothing but forest, rivers, fields and mountains.
You must be very tired of hearing nothing but bird songs come with me to the city.
There you can live in a beautiful house and have good things for dinner every day.
When you have lived in the city for a week,, you will forget all about living in the country.”
So the two mice went to the city, they reached the home of the city mouse at night
“You must be hungry we walked for a long time,” said the city mouse to his friend.
“We will have some dinner immediately.”
So they went to the dinning room and the city mouse found some cake and fruit.
“Help yourself,” he said.
“There is enough for both of us.”
“This is a very good dinner,” said the country mouse.
“You are very rich my friend!”
Just then the door opened and a dog came in the mice jumped off the table and ran into a h*le in the floor.
The poor little country mouse was so frightened!
“Do not be afraid,” said his friend.
“The dog cannot come in here.”
Then the mice went to the kitchen they found an apple pie on the shelf and were enjoying a piece of it at that moment, they saw two bright eyes watching them.
“The cat! The cat!” cried the city mouse and the mice quickly ran through a h*le in the wall.
When the country mouse could speak, he said, Good-bye, my friend you can live in the city with the dogs and cats.
I like my home in the country.
In the country the birds sing to me while i eat my simple corn and apples.
In the city the cats watch you eating your fancy cake and pie.
I like my corn in safety better than your cake in fear.
A truck driver is driving through
A carpenter went home
13.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his weapon into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my weapon into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Two couples go on vacation together
A young lady is buying a box
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his weapon into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my weapon into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Two couples go on vacation together
A young lady is buying a box
14.
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
15.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
16.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
17.
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.
Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.
One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them.
So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival.
He was the head of household and the sole bread winner.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute.
One person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.
The old man said, “Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you.
So, you take the last parachute.”
The boy asked, “Why, Sir?”
The old man said, “Well, there is only one parachute left.”
The little lad said, “Sir there are really two parachutes left.”
The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, “Yeah? How?”
“Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth?
He grabbed my backpack.”
A lady came to the hospital
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.
Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.
One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them.
So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival.
He was the head of household and the sole bread winner.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute.
One person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.
The old man said, “Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you.
So, you take the last parachute.”
The boy asked, “Why, Sir?”
The old man said, “Well, there is only one parachute left.”
The little lad said, “Sir there are really two parachutes left.”
The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, “Yeah? How?”
“Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth?
He grabbed my backpack.”
A lady came to the hospital
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
18.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
19.
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
20.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
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21.
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
22.
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
23.
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
24.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
25.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
26.
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
27.
Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband
Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband
28.
A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.
When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress.
She then asks the butler to remove her corset, which he does.
She then asks him to remove her undergarment and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
A father has three daughters
A woman goes into a toy shop
A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.
When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress.
She then asks the butler to remove her corset, which he does.
She then asks him to remove her undergarment and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
A father has three daughters
A woman goes into a toy shop
29.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
30.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
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eng jokes