1.
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
2.
A group of devils were trying to enter the soul of a holy man who lived near Cairo; they had already tempted him with Nubian women, Egyptian food, Libyan treasure, but nothing had worked.
One day, Satan passed and saw his servants’ efforts.
You’re hopeless – said Satan
You haven’t used the only technique no one can resist; I’ll teach you.
He went over to the holy man and whispered in his ear:
Remember the priest who studied under you? He’s just been made Bishop of Alexandria.
Immediately, the holy man was filled with rage, and blasphemed against God’s injustice.
The next time, use this temptation – said Satan to his subjects.
“Men can resist almost everything, but they are always jealous of the victory of a fellow man.”
A older doctor stopped her
A man had just settled into his seat
A group of devils were trying to enter the soul of a holy man who lived near Cairo; they had already tempted him with Nubian women, Egyptian food, Libyan treasure, but nothing had worked.
One day, Satan passed and saw his servants’ efforts.
You’re hopeless – said Satan
You haven’t used the only technique no one can resist; I’ll teach you.
He went over to the holy man and whispered in his ear:
Remember the priest who studied under you? He’s just been made Bishop of Alexandria.
Immediately, the holy man was filled with rage, and blasphemed against God’s injustice.
The next time, use this temptation – said Satan to his subjects.
“Men can resist almost everything, but they are always jealous of the victory of a fellow man.”
A older doctor stopped her
A man had just settled into his seat
3.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
4.
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
5.
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
6.
“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
7.
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
8.
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
9.
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
10.
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
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11.
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
12.
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.
The delighted Grandma started giving instructions how to come to their high rise colony retirement Apartment.
She started blabbering,
“When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule,
My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow,
I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.
You will hear the pi……pi buzz.
You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.
Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter.
Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor.
Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you.”
The polite grand son said,
“Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry.
But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow.”
The Grandma yelled, “What? Shameless, are you coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?”
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.
The delighted Grandma started giving instructions how to come to their high rise colony retirement Apartment.
She started blabbering,
“When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule,
My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow,
I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.
You will hear the pi……pi buzz.
You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.
Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter.
Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor.
Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you.”
The polite grand son said,
“Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry.
But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow.”
The Grandma yelled, “What? Shameless, are you coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?”
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
13.
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
14.
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides,…
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said:
“I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great love, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said:
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling:…”
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
A woman and a baby were
Two women were playing golf
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides,…
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said:
“I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great love, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said:
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling:…”
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
A woman and a baby were
Two women were playing golf
15.
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
16.
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
17.
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
18.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
19.
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough.
The doc says, “What happened?”
The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.”
The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that.
The next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed.”
The woman goes home.
Two weeks later she returns to her doctor.
The doc says, “You look great, did you try my advice?”
The woman replies, “Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?”
He tells her “See what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?
Three blondes are talking about
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
20.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
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21.
A little boy asked his father a question.
“Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust.
“You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
A man returned home earlier
A older couple wake up in the morning
A little boy asked his father a question.
“Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust.
“You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
A man returned home earlier
A older couple wake up in the morning
22.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
23.
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
24.
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
25.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
26.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
27.
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
28.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
29.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
30.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
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eng jokes