1.
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
2.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
3.
2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands,
Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor.
As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn’t help but notice that Jay’s wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way.
Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Kate followed him and asked, “Do you like what you see?”
Surprised by her boldness,
Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $5000.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn’t, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay’s house to make love to Jay’s wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $5000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised.
Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work.
Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, “Did Bob come by with my money?” With a lump in her throat, his wife answered,
“Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, “And did he give you $5000.00?”
In terror she assumed she’d somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied,
“Well, yes, in fact he did give me a five thousand dollars.”
Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, Good, I was hoping so.
Bob came by my office this last night and borrowed 5 thousand dollars from me.
He promised me he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Mother is on top of father
A woman was having an affair
2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands,
Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor.
As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn’t help but notice that Jay’s wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way.
Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Kate followed him and asked, “Do you like what you see?”
Surprised by her boldness,
Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $5000.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn’t, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay’s house to make love to Jay’s wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $5000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised.
Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work.
Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, “Did Bob come by with my money?” With a lump in her throat, his wife answered,
“Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, “And did he give you $5000.00?”
In terror she assumed she’d somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied,
“Well, yes, in fact he did give me a five thousand dollars.”
Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, Good, I was hoping so.
Bob came by my office this last night and borrowed 5 thousand dollars from me.
He promised me he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Mother is on top of father
A woman was having an affair
4.
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
5.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
6.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,’ he explains.
‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any undergarment.’
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing undergarment!’
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.’
A man is traveling through the jungle
A man is sitting on a train
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,’ he explains.
‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any undergarment.’
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing undergarment!’
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.’
A man is traveling through the jungle
A man is sitting on a train
7.
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
Two accountants are in a bank
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
Two accountants are in a bank
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
8.
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
9.
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
10.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
11.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
12.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
13.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
14.
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
15.
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
“I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,
“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn’t believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl,
“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Innocent Babies Conversation
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
“I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,
“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn’t believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl,
“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Innocent Babies Conversation
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
16.
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope then I sat down and continued to milk her just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Lamaze class was in full swing
At the station
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope then I sat down and continued to milk her just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Lamaze class was in full swing
At the station
17.
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
18.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What will you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know.
The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.
“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
A old man goes to a doctor
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What will you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know.
The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.
“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
A old man goes to a doctor
19.
Three ducks went to court after being arrested
When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, “what’s your name?”
The duck responds, “Quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The duck says, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.” And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the second duck, and again asks, “what’s your name?”
The second duck responds with, “Quack quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The second duck responds with, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the third duck, and sarcastically asks,
“let me guess, your name is Quack quack quack?”
The third duck, completely confused, replies with, “no your honor, my name is Bubbles
A man whose wife was pregnant
In a neighbourhood
Three ducks went to court after being arrested
When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, “what’s your name?”
The duck responds, “Quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The duck says, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.” And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the second duck, and again asks, “what’s your name?”
The second duck responds with, “Quack quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The second duck responds with, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the third duck, and sarcastically asks,
“let me guess, your name is Quack quack quack?”
The third duck, completely confused, replies with, “no your honor, my name is Bubbles
A man whose wife was pregnant
In a neighbourhood
20.
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
21.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
22.
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
23.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
24.
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
25.
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again.
That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude except for a black corset and a pair of black lacy underwear, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”
She replied: “My melons you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She was standing there with the black underwear on, and he was in his birthday suit except that he was wearing a black rubber.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this a black rubber?”
“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
A little boy boards a public bus
A young banker goes to the tailor
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again.
That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude except for a black corset and a pair of black lacy underwear, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”
She replied: “My melons you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She was standing there with the black underwear on, and he was in his birthday suit except that he was wearing a black rubber.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this a black rubber?”
“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
A little boy boards a public bus
A young banker goes to the tailor
26.
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
An Scotsman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run,” “Run.”
The next batter hit a single & the Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered “RUN, RUN.”
The Scotsman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called “Walk” and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Scotsman stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye bastard, Run!”
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over & explained,
“He can’t run, he’s got four balls.”
The Scotsman stood up and screamed, “Walk with Pride, laddie, Walk with Pride!”
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
A priest and a nun are on their way
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
An Scotsman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run,” “Run.”
The next batter hit a single & the Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered “RUN, RUN.”
The Scotsman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called “Walk” and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Scotsman stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye bastard, Run!”
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over & explained,
“He can’t run, he’s got four balls.”
The Scotsman stood up and screamed, “Walk with Pride, laddie, Walk with Pride!”
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
A priest and a nun are on their way
27.
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
28.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
29.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
30.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
Tags:
eng jokes