1.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
2.
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
3.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
4.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
5.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
6.
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!”
The man asked the doctor, “What’s the problem?”
“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No,” replied the man.
“Do you drink in excess?”
“No.” replied the man.
“Do you have a make love life?”
“Yes, I do!”
“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your make love life.
“Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half the looking or the thinking?”
A pastor told the congregation
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!”
The man asked the doctor, “What’s the problem?”
“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No,” replied the man.
“Do you drink in excess?”
“No.” replied the man.
“Do you have a make love life?”
“Yes, I do!”
“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your make love life.
“Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half the looking or the thinking?”
A pastor told the congregation
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
7.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
8.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
9.
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
10.
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
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11.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
12.
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,
“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
They were all trapped on an island
The end of a job interview
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,
“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
They were all trapped on an island
The end of a job interview
13.
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
14.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she complied nonetheless.
He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
He gets into the taxi
A old lady walked into the Bank
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she complied nonetheless.
He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
He gets into the taxi
A old lady walked into the Bank
15.
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
16.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
17.
A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, “Whom do you wish to marry?
She says, “Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.”
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.”
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “I wish to marry the man with one dragging’ on the floor!”
A guy with a 25-inch tool
A rich lady gives her butler
A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, “Whom do you wish to marry?
She says, “Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.”
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.”
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question.
She replies, “I wish to marry the man with one dragging’ on the floor!”
A guy with a 25-inch tool
A rich lady gives her butler
18.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and lovemaking.”
A police officer was investigating an accident
A old man goes to the Wizard
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and lovemaking.”
A police officer was investigating an accident
A old man goes to the Wizard
19.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
20.
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church
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21.
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
22.
A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
A lawyer is talking to his client
Three women worked in the same office
A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
A lawyer is talking to his client
Three women worked in the same office
23.
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
24.
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.”
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
At the first house the owner said
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.”
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
At the first house the owner said
25.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
26.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
27.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
28.
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
29.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
30.
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
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eng jokes