1.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
2.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
3.
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
4.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot.
That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.
It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
A guy comes home from work
A woman has to go to Italy
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot.
That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.
It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
A guy comes home from work
A woman has to go to Italy
5.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
6.
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
7.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
8.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
9.
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
10.
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
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11.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
12.
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
13.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
14.
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.”
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
“Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?”
He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to get rid of it.”
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
He replied with a straight, serious face “No. She’s left handed.”
The mother asks little Johnny
A little boy asked his dad
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.”
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
“Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?”
He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to get rid of it.”
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
He replied with a straight, serious face “No. She’s left handed.”
The mother asks little Johnny
A little boy asked his dad
15.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
16.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
17.
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!
A man owned a small ranch
I was walking through the city
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!
A man owned a small ranch
I was walking through the city
18.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
19.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
20.
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
One day a shepherd discovered a fat Pig in the meadow where his Sheep were pastured.
He very quickly captured the porker, which squealed at the top of its voice the moment the Shepherd laid his hands on it.
You would have thought, to hear the loud squealing, that the Pig was being cruelly hurt.
But in spite of its squeals and struggles to escape, the Shepherd tucked his prize under his arm and started off to the butcher’s in the market place.
The Sheep in the pasture were much astonished and amused at the Pig’s behavior, and followed the Shepherd and his charge to the pasture gate.
“What makes you squeal like that?” asked one of the Sheep.
“The Shepherd often catches and carries off one of us but we should feel very much ashamed to make such a terrible fuss about it like you do.”
“That is all very well,” replied the Pig, with a squeal and a frantic kick.
“When he catches you he is only after your wool but he wants my bacon! gree-ee-ee!”
She got to the pearly gates
The painter Henri Matisse
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21.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
22.
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
23.
Two very old men were having a conversation about make love.
Elmer says, “Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!”
Leon replies, “You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?”
To which Elmer said, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!”
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, “May I help you?’
“Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please,” said Leon.
“That’s a lot of bread! It’s sure to get hard before you’re done!” the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, “Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?”
The driver is a little old lady
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Two very old men were having a conversation about make love.
Elmer says, “Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!”
Leon replies, “You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?”
To which Elmer said, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!”
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, “May I help you?’
“Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please,” said Leon.
“That’s a lot of bread! It’s sure to get hard before you’re done!” the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, “Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?”
The driver is a little old lady
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
24.
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
25.
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
26.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
27.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
28.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
29.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
30.
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
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