1.
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
2.
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
3.
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
4.
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
5.
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
6.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
7.
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
8.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
9.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
10.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
11.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
12.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
13.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
14.
Anant went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,
“You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”
Anant said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
“Hi,” he said, “Who are you?” “I’m Baby, and who are you?” “I’m stupid,” he said
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
Two boys go into a forest
Anant went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,
“You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”
Anant said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
“Hi,” he said, “Who are you?” “I’m Baby, and who are you?” “I’m stupid,” he said
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
Two boys go into a forest
15.
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
16.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
17.
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.
But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”
A lady rubbed a bottle
A old couple were walking on beach
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.
But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”
A lady rubbed a bottle
A old couple were walking on beach
18.
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
19.
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
20.
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
21.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
22.
A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him.
“I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.
The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast.
Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.
“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.
“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.
“He used $1 bills.”
He asked his boss for two more weeks
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him.
“I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.
The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast.
Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.
“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.
“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.
“He used $1 bills.”
He asked his boss for two more weeks
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
23.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
24.
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
25.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
26.
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
27.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
28.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
29.
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
30.
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Tags:
eng jokes