1.
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
2.
This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go Camping With His FriendsThen This HappensA few days before the group's annual departure date, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.Jack's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go Camping With His FriendsThen This HappensA few days before the group's annual departure date, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.Jack's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what
3.
… with two large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, “What's in the bags?”“Sand,” answered Juan.The guard says, “We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds n
… with two large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, “What's in the bags?”“Sand,” answered Juan.The guard says, “We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds n
4.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.“No,” said Mike, “But I probably shouldDo you know a good doctor?”Pat gave him the name of his own doctor
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.“No,” said Mike, “But I probably shouldDo you know a good doctor?”Pat gave him the name of his own doctor
5.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
6.
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
7.
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences.
I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re rig
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences.
I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re rig
8.
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
9.
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
10.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
“For being such an exemplary married couple and fo
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
“For being such an exemplary married couple and fo
11.
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the ZooShe's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.He jumps up o
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the ZooShe's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.He jumps up o
12.
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner told them, “I'm not going to sugar-coat itThis is one ferocio
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner told them, “I'm not going to sugar-coat itThis is one ferocio
13.
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
14.
She's looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.“I'd recommend this right here, ma'amIt's new to the market.”“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.“It's dam fish, ma'am.”The pastors wife abruptly says“How dare y
She's looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.“I'd recommend this right here, ma'amIt's new to the market.”“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.“It's dam fish, ma'am.”The pastors wife abruptly says“How dare y
15.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
16.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so pricelessand so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so pricelessand so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges
17.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.They've got the whole thing a.s-backwards.Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You sh
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.They've got the whole thing a.s-backwards.Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You sh
18.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”His father replied
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”His father replied
19.
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem.I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we're hot… do you want to bang us?'”“That's terrible!” says the priest.“But,
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem.I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we're hot… do you want to bang us?'”“That's terrible!” says the priest.“But,
20.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?!”The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”The terrifie
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?!”The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”The terrifie
21.
Two accountants are in their local credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to tak
Two accountants are in their local credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to tak
22.
A farmer had five female pigsTimes were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigsAfter talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers
A farmer had five female pigsTimes were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigsAfter talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers
23.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high
24.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.I saw a Mormon with only one wife.McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.Parents in B
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.I saw a Mormon with only one wife.McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.Parents in B
25.
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
26.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
27.
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifleThe man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.“Oh yes,” the clerk said“I'm not a very good shot, but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my da
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifleThe man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.“Oh yes,” the clerk said“I'm not a very good shot, but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my da
28.
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
29.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home
30.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay upWhat should I do?”“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.“Nope,” replied the man.“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said th
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay upWhat should I do?”“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.“Nope,” replied the man.“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said th
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