1.
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
2.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
3.
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
4.
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
5.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
6.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
7.
A man finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a Genie emerges.
The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The man is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A man finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a Genie emerges.
The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The man is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A man walks into the psychiatrist
8.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
9.
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.
“Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver’s hat and settled into the back row.
The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech.
Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor.
Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The driver was p***c-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
“That’s an easy one,” he replied.
“In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
Once there were three men
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.
“Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver’s hat and settled into the back row.
The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech.
Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor.
Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The driver was p***c-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
“That’s an easy one,” he replied.
“In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
Once there were three men
10.
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
An elderly man and his wife
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
An elderly man and his wife
A rather virtuous young couple marry
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11.
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
12.
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
13.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
14.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
15.
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
16.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
17.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
18.
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
19.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
20.
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
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21.
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
22.
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
23.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
24.
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
25.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
26.
An old lady on the bus overhears two Italian men talking…
To her horror, she hears the first man say:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together, and den I come again.
Two asses, dey come again.
Den I pee twice, and den I come again, and den it ends.”
The lady starts hitting the man with her handbag, shouting:
“You pig, you swine! How dare you say such perverted filth in public!”
“Ey, relax, lady!” the Italian shouts.
“I was just-a telling my friend-a here how to spell-a ‘Mississippi’!”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A college professor
An old lady on the bus overhears two Italian men talking…
To her horror, she hears the first man say:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together, and den I come again.
Two asses, dey come again.
Den I pee twice, and den I come again, and den it ends.”
The lady starts hitting the man with her handbag, shouting:
“You pig, you swine! How dare you say such perverted filth in public!”
“Ey, relax, lady!” the Italian shouts.
“I was just-a telling my friend-a here how to spell-a ‘Mississippi’!”
A woman meets a man in a bar
A college professor
27.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
28.
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
29.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
30.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job