1.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
2.
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
3.
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
4.
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
5.
A little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
“You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained.
“Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A old man goes to the Wizard
A guy is riding the bus
A little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
“You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained.
“Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A old man goes to the Wizard
A guy is riding the bus
6.
Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
7.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Two men went bear hunting
Two kids are arguing
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Two men went bear hunting
Two kids are arguing
8.
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hell
Why? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!
Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there are he checks his gauges and sees that it’s 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes to the farmer and asks why he’s so happy.
The farmer replies “I like it here It’s just like plowing my fields in June.”
Unhappy with the farmer’s response, the devil goes back to his controls and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity.
After making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil is very frustrated and asks the farmer again why he’s so happy.
“This is even beter now! It’s like pulling weeds in the fields during July!” says the farmer.
The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100% “Now we’ll see if that farmer is smiling!” he thinks as he goes looking for the farmer again.
But he found him sitting on the ground, happy as ever now the Devil is madder than before.
When he asks the farmer why he’s happy now, the farmer answers, “This is great, it’s just like driving the picker in August!”
That was enough for the Devil running back to his controls, he turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero.
Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over
“Let’s see what what farmer has to say about this,” snickers the Devil to himself.
To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs: “The Cowboys won the Super Bowl! I can’t believe it! The Cowboys won the Super Bowl!”
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hell
Why? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!
Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there are he checks his gauges and sees that it’s 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes to the farmer and asks why he’s so happy.
The farmer replies “I like it here It’s just like plowing my fields in June.”
Unhappy with the farmer’s response, the devil goes back to his controls and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity.
After making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil is very frustrated and asks the farmer again why he’s so happy.
“This is even beter now! It’s like pulling weeds in the fields during July!” says the farmer.
The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100% “Now we’ll see if that farmer is smiling!” he thinks as he goes looking for the farmer again.
But he found him sitting on the ground, happy as ever now the Devil is madder than before.
When he asks the farmer why he’s happy now, the farmer answers, “This is great, it’s just like driving the picker in August!”
That was enough for the Devil running back to his controls, he turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero.
Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over
“Let’s see what what farmer has to say about this,” snickers the Devil to himself.
To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs: “The Cowboys won the Super Bowl! I can’t believe it! The Cowboys won the Super Bowl!”
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
9.
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-old’s.
She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Why do you want more pay
A guy walks into a shoe store
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-old’s.
She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Why do you want more pay
A guy walks into a shoe store
10.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
📚 Recommended Posts
A Local Fm Radio Was Running FunnyComedy Carnival Jokes To Keep Good
The Story Began When I Was Child Funny
Rebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
11.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
12.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she din’t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
Jenny was explaining to her husband
An elderly, faithful man died
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she din’t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
Jenny was explaining to her husband
An elderly, faithful man died
13.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
14.
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
15.
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
16.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
17.
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
18.
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.
He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!”
Hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.
He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!”
Hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A drunk man walks out of a bar
19.
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men.
The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain.
There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.
However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.
The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.
With considerable patience, he listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.
He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.
“However, I want to ask you a favor,” he added, handing the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil.
“While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”
The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon at the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.
“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing his only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man.
“You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”
Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls.
He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.
“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.
Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.
“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages.
“The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Two men were traveling in company
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men.
The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain.
There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.
However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.
The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.
With considerable patience, he listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.
He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.
“However, I want to ask you a favor,” he added, handing the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil.
“While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”
The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon at the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.
“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing his only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man.
“You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”
Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls.
He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.
“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.
Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.
“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages.
“The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Two men were traveling in company
20.
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
📚 Recommended Posts
A Local Fm Radio Was Running FunnyComedy Carnival Jokes To Keep Good
The Story Began When I Was Child Funny
Rebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
21.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
22.
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
23.
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
24.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
25.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
26.
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
27.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
A older man walked into a jewelery store
28.
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
29.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
30.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
Tags:
eng jokes