1.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
2.
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
3.
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce.
Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up
“You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the pastor
“He gets $2,000
You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the pastor
“You split it equally.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye
“What about our three children?”
The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution.
“Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head.
“No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out
If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Cimon And Pero’s Story
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce.
Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up
“You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the pastor
“He gets $2,000
You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the pastor
“You split it equally.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye
“What about our three children?”
The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution.
“Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head.
“No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out
If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Cimon And Pero’s Story
4.
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
5.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
6.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
7.
A man is traveling through the jungle for days.
Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees as long as he doesn’t bang his granddaughter.
Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does bang his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest.”
Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading “Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock.”
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.
On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, “Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post.”
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A man is traveling through the jungle for days.
Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees as long as he doesn’t bang his granddaughter.
Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does bang his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest.”
Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading “Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock.”
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.
On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, “Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post.”
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
A rather confident man walks into a bar
8.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
A dude-up city biker
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
A dude-up city biker
9.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
10.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
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11.
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
12.
An old man lived in the village.
He was one of the most unfortunate people in the world.
The whole village was tired of him; he was always gloomy, he constantly complained and was always in a bad mood.
The longer he lived, the more bile he was becoming and the more poisonous were his words.
People avoided him, because his misfortune became contagious.
It was even unnatural and insulting to be happy next to him.
He created the feeling of unhappiness in others.
But one day, when he turned eighty years old, an incredible thing happened.
Instantly everyone started hearing the rumour: “An Old Man is happy today, he doesn’t complain about anything, smiles, and even his face is freshened up.”
The whole village gathered together.
The old man was asked: Villager what happened to you?
“Nothing special eighty years I’ve been chasing happiness, and it was useless and then I decided to live without happiness and just enjoy life that’s why I’m happy now.”
A funeral service is held for a woman
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
An old man lived in the village.
He was one of the most unfortunate people in the world.
The whole village was tired of him; he was always gloomy, he constantly complained and was always in a bad mood.
The longer he lived, the more bile he was becoming and the more poisonous were his words.
People avoided him, because his misfortune became contagious.
It was even unnatural and insulting to be happy next to him.
He created the feeling of unhappiness in others.
But one day, when he turned eighty years old, an incredible thing happened.
Instantly everyone started hearing the rumour: “An Old Man is happy today, he doesn’t complain about anything, smiles, and even his face is freshened up.”
The whole village gathered together.
The old man was asked: Villager what happened to you?
“Nothing special eighty years I’ve been chasing happiness, and it was useless and then I decided to live without happiness and just enjoy life that’s why I’m happy now.”
A funeral service is held for a woman
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
13.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
14.
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
15.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
16.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
17.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
18.
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
19.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
20.
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
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21.
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
22.
While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:
“Jesus is watching you!”
Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parrot.
Angry, the burglar says:
“So you are the little shit that almost made me shit my pants? Oh you winged rat, I should stew you in boiling water for that!”
The parrot then says: “Saint Peter is watching you.”
Intrigued, the burglar says: “I’ve lost my faith a long time ago, I don’t believe in any of these religious nonsense
What is your name, little bird?”
The parrot replies: “My name is Judas.”
The burglar burts out laugh-ting and asks:
“What kind of stupid jerk would name a parrot Judas?”
The parrot promptly responds:
“The same stupid jerk that named Jesus and Saint Peter the two Pit Bulls behind you.”
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic!
Translating Monk Texts
While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:
“Jesus is watching you!”
Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parrot.
Angry, the burglar says:
“So you are the little shit that almost made me shit my pants? Oh you winged rat, I should stew you in boiling water for that!”
The parrot then says: “Saint Peter is watching you.”
Intrigued, the burglar says: “I’ve lost my faith a long time ago, I don’t believe in any of these religious nonsense
What is your name, little bird?”
The parrot replies: “My name is Judas.”
The burglar burts out laugh-ting and asks:
“What kind of stupid jerk would name a parrot Judas?”
The parrot promptly responds:
“The same stupid jerk that named Jesus and Saint Peter the two Pit Bulls behind you.”
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic!
Translating Monk Texts
23.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes she said, checking for abnormalities.
He tell her to take off her t-shirt and starts rubbing her fronts, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes, she said checking for cancer.
He tells her to take of her underwear and starts lovemaking.
He tells her do you know what I’m doing?
She said “Yes getting A.I.D.S.
A man escapes a prison
There was a blind girl
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes she said, checking for abnormalities.
He tell her to take off her t-shirt and starts rubbing her fronts, he asks her do you know what I’m doing?
Yes, she said checking for cancer.
He tells her to take of her underwear and starts lovemaking.
He tells her do you know what I’m doing?
She said “Yes getting A.I.D.S.
A man escapes a prison
There was a blind girl
24.
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
25.
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die!
Come on, I’ll help you get up let’s go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up, come on!
Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good
Now faster, come on… Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It’s a miracle!
My horse is cured we must have a grand party Let’s Cook the goat!!!!
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A airline pilot was scheduled
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die!
Come on, I’ll help you get up let’s go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up, come on!
Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good
Now faster, come on… Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It’s a miracle!
My horse is cured we must have a grand party Let’s Cook the goat!!!!
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A airline pilot was scheduled
26.
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
27.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
28.
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
29.
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
“It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed.
“But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”
“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”
His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!”
He fell silent, and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions.”
Tim decided to tie the knot with his girlfriend
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
“It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed.
“But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”
“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”
His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!”
He fell silent, and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions.”
Tim decided to tie the knot with his girlfriend
A old man decides to meet his grandson
30.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Tags:
eng jokes