1.
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
2.
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
3.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.
After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H – Husband, W – Wife)
H – “Hello?”
W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
H – “Yes.”
W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
H – “What’s the price?”
W – “Only $1,000.”
H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models.
I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price.
And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
H – “What price did he quote you?”
W – “Only $1,65,000…”
H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
H – “What?”
W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and
I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
H – “How much are they asking?”
W – “Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?”
W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”
H – “Bye… I love you too…”
The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,
“Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to … ???”
Three ladies walked into a bar
A woman goes to Italy
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.
After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H – Husband, W – Wife)
H – “Hello?”
W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
H – “Yes.”
W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
H – “What’s the price?”
W – “Only $1,000.”
H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models.
I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price.
And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
H – “What price did he quote you?”
W – “Only $1,65,000…”
H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
H – “What?”
W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and
I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
H – “How much are they asking?”
W – “Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?”
W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”
H – “Bye… I love you too…”
The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,
“Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to … ???”
Three ladies walked into a bar
A woman goes to Italy
4.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
5.
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
He called his wife to make up an excuse
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
He called his wife to make up an excuse
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
6.
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
7.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
8.
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
9.
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
10.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
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11.
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
12.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
13.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
14.
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
15.
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
16.
Tax his land, tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke, Teach him taxes are no joke. Tax his car, tax his grass, Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his food, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his sodas, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb, “Taxes drove me to my doom!” And when he’s gone, we won’t relax, We’ll still be after the inheritance tax.
An old woman had 3 daughters
Two lawyers had been life long friends
Tax his land, tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke, Teach him taxes are no joke. Tax his car, tax his grass, Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his food, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his sodas, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb, “Taxes drove me to my doom!” And when he’s gone, we won’t relax, We’ll still be after the inheritance tax.
An old woman had 3 daughters
Two lawyers had been life long friends
17.
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help.
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
“Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then goes to his sister’s room.
“Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father.
“Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home
A old man his annual checkup
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help.
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
“Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then goes to his sister’s room.
“Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father.
“Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home
A old man his annual checkup
18.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
19.
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
20.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
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21.
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
22.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
23.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
24.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
25.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
Two deaf people get married
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
26.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
27.
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
28.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
29.
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
30.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping
Tags:
eng jokes