1.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
2.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
3.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying
4.
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
5.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
6.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
7.
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday.
He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions.
“You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry.
“Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
A doctor goes to his office
A man buys several sheep
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday.
He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions.
“You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry.
“Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
A doctor goes to his office
A man buys several sheep
8.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
9.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
10.
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
“Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
The man asked the doctor
Two blondes were working on a house
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
“Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
The man asked the doctor
Two blondes were working on a house
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11.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
12.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said.
“What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.
“What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
A man phones home from his office
Three women are talking about
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said.
“What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.
“What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
A man phones home from his office
Three women are talking about
13.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
14.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
15.
When a woman entered the pharmacy, she approached the pharmacist and stated to him, staring into his eyes,
“I want to purchase some cyanide.”
Why on earth do you need cyanide, the pharmacist questioned.
“I need it to poison my husband,” the woman said.
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of awful things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” the pharmacist cried, his eyes growing wide.
The woman took out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife from her purse.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription, so that’s different, the pharmacist said after taking a look at the picture.
The teacher asked Little Johnny
A couple is throwing a dinner party
When a woman entered the pharmacy, she approached the pharmacist and stated to him, staring into his eyes,
“I want to purchase some cyanide.”
Why on earth do you need cyanide, the pharmacist questioned.
“I need it to poison my husband,” the woman said.
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of awful things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” the pharmacist cried, his eyes growing wide.
The woman took out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife from her purse.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription, so that’s different, the pharmacist said after taking a look at the picture.
The teacher asked Little Johnny
A couple is throwing a dinner party
16.
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
The angry wife met her husband
17.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
18.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
19.
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
20.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
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21.
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
22.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
23.
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience.
The doctor told him that before make love often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn’t do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan…
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to self enjoyment.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to peek, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the peek, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”
Sally a blonde was seen going
A little old lady came running towards
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience.
The doctor told him that before make love often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn’t do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan…
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to self enjoyment.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to peek, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the peek, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”
Sally a blonde was seen going
A little old lady came running towards
24.
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.
He got to a phone and called her right away.
“Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said.
“Who took you to the hospital?”
“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”
The husband was horrified but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”
The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy
Joe named the girl Deniece.”
The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad what did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
Ray came home one night
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.
He got to a phone and called her right away.
“Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said.
“Who took you to the hospital?”
“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”
The husband was horrified but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”
The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy
Joe named the girl Deniece.”
The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad what did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
Ray came home one night
25.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
26.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
27.
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
28.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
29.
The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”
The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender:
“You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy:
“Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
A new bar manager at a country
A guy with a 25-inch tool
The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”
The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender:
“You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy:
“Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
A new bar manager at a country
A guy with a 25-inch tool
30.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief