1.
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
2.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
3.
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
4.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
He rubs it and a genie emerges
5.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
6.
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child:
“It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
He staggers into the bedroom
A husband look at his wife one day and said
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child:
“It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
He staggers into the bedroom
A husband look at his wife one day and said
7.
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
8.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
9.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
10.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
11.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
12.
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
13.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
14.
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
15.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
16.
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
17.
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
18.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
19.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
20.
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
21.
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.
I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
Advertisement “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions,” and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.
The aircraft arrived at its destination.
When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, and from the sash down, what do you have?
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,
“Go ahead Father next!”
A man told joke
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.
I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
Advertisement “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions,” and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.
The aircraft arrived at its destination.
When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, and from the sash down, what do you have?
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,
“Go ahead Father next!”
A man told joke
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
22.
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
23.
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
24.
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
25.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
26.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
He went to the pet shop
The girl approaches the boy
27.
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
28.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
29.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
30.
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
Tags:
eng jokes