1.
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house undressed.
So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed undressed and sweaty.
She asks, “What’s going on?”
He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”
She says “I’m going to call 911, while I’m really looking for my sister.”
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the unclothed, and gives her a slap, “How dare you!
My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring the kids!”
A woman was nagging her husband
A husband asks his wife
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house undressed.
So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed undressed and sweaty.
She asks, “What’s going on?”
He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”
She says “I’m going to call 911, while I’m really looking for my sister.”
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the unclothed, and gives her a slap, “How dare you!
My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring the kids!”
A woman was nagging her husband
A husband asks his wife
2.
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
3.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
4.
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
5.
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly.
“Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
A guy is riding the bus
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly.
“Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
A guy is riding the bus
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
6.
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
7.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples – arrived there
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? – asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it – replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults – said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
Girl taunts old man
Three newlywed men were discussing
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples – arrived there
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? – asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it – replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults – said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
Girl taunts old man
Three newlywed men were discussing
8.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
9.
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
10.
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
11.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
12.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
13.
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
14.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
15.
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
16.
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
17.
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
18.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
A woman told her husband
Joey goes into a pharmacy
19.
Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known
Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known
20.
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
21.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
22.
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
23.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
24.
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
25.
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
The little boy had been looking out of West-jet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer,
She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well”, said the flight attendant, “you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West-jet always pulls out on time have your mother explain that to you.”
Joe packs the picnic basket
Inspiring Husband
26.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
27.
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to bang people.”
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A teacher was working with a group of children
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to bang people.”
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A teacher was working with a group of children
28.
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
29.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
30.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
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eng jokes