1.
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
2.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
3.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
The disciple asked the master
The cabbie said no problem
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
The disciple asked the master
The cabbie said no problem
4.
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
5.
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
6.
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”
He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
There were two men at a bar
A blonde struggling with her weight
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”
He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
There were two men at a bar
A blonde struggling with her weight
7.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
8.
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
9.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
10.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
11.
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child:
“It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
He staggers into the bedroom
A husband look at his wife one day and said
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child:
“It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
He staggers into the bedroom
A husband look at his wife one day and said
12.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
13.
It was a dark, stormy, night.
The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
The officer signals for her to pull over
The disciple asked the master
It was a dark, stormy, night.
The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
The officer signals for her to pull over
The disciple asked the master
14.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
15.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is lesbian.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says,
“I just found out that my youngest son is lesbian, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
The Social Security Office
A doctor says to them
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is lesbian.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says,
“I just found out that my youngest son is lesbian, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
The Social Security Office
A doctor says to them
16.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
17.
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
18.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
19.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
20.
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a boom!”
A old man was seated by the shoreline
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a boom!”
A old man was seated by the shoreline
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
21.
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
22.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
23.
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
24.
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
25.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
A group of blondes walk into a bar
A woman said to her friend
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
A group of blondes walk into a bar
A woman said to her friend
26.
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
27.
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
28.
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A woman at the Welfare Office
29.
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
30.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
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eng jokes