1.
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides,…
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said:
“I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great love, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said:
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling:…”
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
A woman and a baby were
Two women were playing golf
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides,…
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said:
“I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great love, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said:
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling:…”
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
A woman and a baby were
Two women were playing golf
2.
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
3.
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
4.
Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school
Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school
5.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
6.
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
7.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
8.
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
9.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
10.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
11.
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
12.
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
13.
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
14.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
15.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
16.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
17.
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
18.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
19.
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
20.
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed.
“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “
“Well,” the pastor persisted,
“You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ “
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’
A little boy said to a little girl
A old man went to the Bank
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed.
“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “
“Well,” the pastor persisted,
“You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ “
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’
A little boy said to a little girl
A old man went to the Bank
21.
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.”
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”
This guy says to his buddy
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.”
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”
This guy says to his buddy
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
22.
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
23.
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
24.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
25.
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
26.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
27.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
28.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
29.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
30.
An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’
The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,
‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’
The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, ‘Go ahead!’
A wife asked her husband to drop her
A old man went to a doctor
An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’
The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,
‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’
The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, ‘Go ahead!’
A wife asked her husband to drop her
A old man went to a doctor
Tags:
eng jokes