1.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
2.
Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution.
The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions.
If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
Darryl said “yes” and the doctor proceeded.
“Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct, what if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room.
He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called.
The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
“What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
A mathematician and plumber
Teacher & johnny
Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution.
The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions.
If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
Darryl said “yes” and the doctor proceeded.
“Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct, what if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room.
He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called.
The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
“What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
A mathematician and plumber
Teacher & johnny
3.
So I wake up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.
The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.
I know my neighbors raise and care for rabbits so immediately picked the rabbit up and brought it to my sink quickly before my neighbors came home and cleaned it off.
It was stiff and not moving but I know some animals play dead when they are scared I just did not know which ones.
I put the clean rabbit back in my neighbors rabbit cage with the rest of them and went back inside my house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and asked them what’s wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in there cage
Blowing Bubbles
This woman’s husband had been slipping
So I wake up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.
The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.
I know my neighbors raise and care for rabbits so immediately picked the rabbit up and brought it to my sink quickly before my neighbors came home and cleaned it off.
It was stiff and not moving but I know some animals play dead when they are scared I just did not know which ones.
I put the clean rabbit back in my neighbors rabbit cage with the rest of them and went back inside my house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and asked them what’s wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in there cage
Blowing Bubbles
This woman’s husband had been slipping
4.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
5.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
6.
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv
7.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
8.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
9.
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
10.
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
11.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
12.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
13.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
14.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
15.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
16.
A young pot head starts to smoke.
His neighbors, an older christian couple, get sick of the smell seeping through the walls and call the cops.
After a few minutes, the young man hears a knock on his door and hears “sir, open up, it’s the police.”
The young man stuffs his bag of weed into his back pocket and answers the door.
The police officer smells the weed and pushes his way into the apartment.
After a few moments of searching and talking, the officer notices the bag sticking out from the young man’s pocket and exclaims “a-ha! Care to explain this, young man?”
The young man quickly responds, “you see, officer, that’s a magic bag of weed. It appeared one day and whenever I try to throw it out or flush it down the toilet, it just hops back into my pocket.”
The officer is sceptical, but the young man pushes the magic bag.
At this point, the neighbors wandered from their apartment to the young man’s door to watch the action.
“Fine!” the officer finally agree.
“If you can prove to me that your bag of weed is magic, then I’ll let you go.”
The young man agree and shows the officer to the bathroom.
The officer drops the bag of weed into the toilet and flushes it.
The neighbors’ mouths drop and, after several seconds, the officer looks to the young man and asks, “Well…?”
The young man looks confused and asks, “well, what?”
The cop, getting angry shouts at the young man, “Where are the damn drugs?”
The young man looks even more confused and replies, “What drugs?”
A young man came to an old man
Frank came into work late
A young pot head starts to smoke.
His neighbors, an older christian couple, get sick of the smell seeping through the walls and call the cops.
After a few minutes, the young man hears a knock on his door and hears “sir, open up, it’s the police.”
The young man stuffs his bag of weed into his back pocket and answers the door.
The police officer smells the weed and pushes his way into the apartment.
After a few moments of searching and talking, the officer notices the bag sticking out from the young man’s pocket and exclaims “a-ha! Care to explain this, young man?”
The young man quickly responds, “you see, officer, that’s a magic bag of weed. It appeared one day and whenever I try to throw it out or flush it down the toilet, it just hops back into my pocket.”
The officer is sceptical, but the young man pushes the magic bag.
At this point, the neighbors wandered from their apartment to the young man’s door to watch the action.
“Fine!” the officer finally agree.
“If you can prove to me that your bag of weed is magic, then I’ll let you go.”
The young man agree and shows the officer to the bathroom.
The officer drops the bag of weed into the toilet and flushes it.
The neighbors’ mouths drop and, after several seconds, the officer looks to the young man and asks, “Well…?”
The young man looks confused and asks, “well, what?”
The cop, getting angry shouts at the young man, “Where are the damn drugs?”
The young man looks even more confused and replies, “What drugs?”
A young man came to an old man
Frank came into work late
17.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
18.
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
19.
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher
20.
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-old’s.
She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Why do you want more pay
A guy walks into a shoe store
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-old’s.
She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
Why do you want more pay
A guy walks into a shoe store
21.
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
22.
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.
“But,” she told him, “it didn’t end all that great for me.”
“Why, what happened?” he asked.
“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.
Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off.
I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!
“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?
“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
How to catch an elephant
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.
“But,” she told him, “it didn’t end all that great for me.”
“Why, what happened?” he asked.
“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.
Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off.
I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!
“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?
“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
How to catch an elephant
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
23.
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
24.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
25.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
26.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
27.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
28.
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
29.
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
30.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
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