1.
"I tried to make my dog stop chasing his tail, but he just kept getting around it."
"I tried to make my dog stop chasing his tail, but he just kept getting around it."
2.
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
3.
"I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome."
"I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome."
4.
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
5.
"I have a 6-pack… somewhere under all this pizza."
"I have a 6-pack… somewhere under all this pizza."
6.
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
7.
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
8.
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
9.
"Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but she is a mother, and we should respect her."
"Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but she is a mother, and we should respect her."
10.
"The only thing I’ve ever successfully made for dinner is reservations."
"The only thing I’ve ever successfully made for dinner is reservations."
11.
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
12.
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
13.
"I thought growing up would take longer."
"I thought growing up would take longer."
14.
"Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are 25 more letters."
"Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are 25 more letters."
15.
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: younger."
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: younger."
16.
"If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"
"If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"
17.
"I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."
"I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."
18.
"Why don’t we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"
"Why don’t we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"
19.
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
20.
"I’m not a morning person. I’m barely an afternoon person."
"I’m not a morning person. I’m barely an afternoon person."
21.
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
22.
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
23.
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
24.
"I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship."
"I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship."
25.
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
26.
"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."
"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."
27.
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me."
28.
"Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk."
"Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk."
29.
"Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."
"Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."
30.
"Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."
"Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."
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